If you played tennis (or were forced by an angry phys. ed. teacher to play tennis) and you had the following people to chose to play against, who would you choose?
A. Serena, who is a LOT better than you are.
B. Venus, who is a little bit better than you are.
C. Andre, who plays at your level.
D. Steffi, who plays a little bit worse than you do.
E. Rafael, who plays a LOT worse than you do.
When I asked a group of colleagues this question, 60% chose Andre, 30% chose Steffi and 10% chose Venus. When I asked a group of 12 year olds at a tennis camp the same question, their answers were similar.
Most people eliminate Serena and Rafael right away because it’s no fun to get beat up on and it’s no fun to play someone who has to chase the ball on every serve.
It was clear that most people preferred playing with someone who was “at their level.” It makes sense why people would make this choice…it’s the most comfortable. You aren’t going to get any better or worse at tennis by playing John, but you will have a good time. And, that 30% who chose Steffi basically guaranteed that they will not improve their game but they will have fun and also feel a little bit better about themselves since they will always win.
However, in tennis, and in every other area of life, the right answer is almost always to choose the partner who is just a little bit better than you are.
Why? Because it is the only choice that requires you to challenge yourself in incremental ways, which is the best way to get better at something. Playing with Andre will be fun, but not challenging. Playing with Steffi is really only beneficial if you are doing it to help Steffi improve her game.
So, how can an introvert apply this to their social lives? If given the choice of who to befriend, who would you choose? Someone who:
is a LOT more extroverted than you?
is a little more extroverted than you?
matches your introvert level?
is a little more introverted than you?
is a LOT more introverted than you?
In my experience, introverts are friends with a lot of Serena’s. Why is this? Because Serena requires nothing of you. She finds you in the bathroom where you are hiding with the cat, she plops down next to you on the sofa at a party, she always wants to hang out with you! It’s like a dream come true at first.
But, then the overwhelm starts. Because, Serena calls you every weekend to see if you want to go clubbing. She invites you to her birthday brunch with twenty other people you’ve never met. She tries to pull you up on the bar to dance Coyote Ugly style. Before you know it, you are forced into Witness Protection just to avoid her invitation to yet another pub crawl.
What you need in your life is a Venus. Venus will low key suggest that you come to a party with her. But, when you flag her down after an hour and say you’re ready to bounce, she will get her coat and out the door you’ll go. She is just a little bit more social than you, but not too much. She will warn you when she is showing up with someone you’ve never met. She will always give you the pertinent details of any event she invites you too: how many people will be there, how long will you be expected to stay there, and if you will know anyone there. Ultimately, these are some of the best friends an introvert can have.