Have you heard that being around friends makes us happier? Even makes us live longer? Sobering stuff when you realize it has been weeks since you have seen anyone except the Postmates guy and Evan at Trader Joes who always double bags your groceries without you having to ask.
Even for introverts, spending time in the presence of people who really “get” us and whose company we enjoy gives us a lift. At least, as long as we can return home when our battery starts to die.
Unfortunately, in the adult world, friendships do not spring forth from the ground like bamboo plants. Instead, it feels like they require long and difficult scavenger hunts through MeetUp groups, book clubs, and Bumble BFF.
It’s a lot of work meeting new people or sometimes, even socializing with those you know but aren’t yet close to. So, how do you get yourself out there to grow the friendships that will eventually make you happy?
Create a socializing goal.
Once, I was feeling overwhelmed and a little depressed and didn’t even want to leave the apartment in case I might have to talk to a neighbor. A (very extroverted) friend, suggested that I create a goal of putting a social event on my calendar and then giving myself permission to not feel guilty about saying no to everything else.
I loved this idea. Also, I have a tendency to be overly ambitious when trying to create new habits. I immediately responded with a suggestion that I plan out 6-8 things I would do monthly. There was silence on the other end and then, very gently, the response. “Well, I was thinking more like ONE thing a month.” *cough*
Why just one thing? Because it sets a low bar. We can all do one thing a month. You will say no to all of the other things, if you wish, and feel the delicious joy of unmade plans. Go ahead, pat yourself on the back for that one thing you did. You deserve it.
Make a radius map for activities.
This is one of my favorite tools for so many things. This hack will work best if you live in a city, not so much if you live in the woods. Unless, of course, you’d like your radius to only include woodland animals, which is a totally *valid* choice. This is a no judgment zone.
Find a radius drawing map tool online. Set a radius point around your house. The radius should be whatever distance you would feel comfortable walking. Again, set the bar low. If you have to get in the car, it’s too far. If it’s a distance you feel comfortable biking to, or skateboarding, or scootering to, that’s your choice. Personally, I chose a radius of 1.5 miles.
This is your circle of socializing. If a friend asks you to come to their improv show and it’s in your circle, you go. If it isn’t, you don’t. It’s that simple. Networking event in the circle? Go. Meetup group meeting somewhere in the circle? Go. Feel zero guilt about not attending things outside the circle.
The reason this works so well is because it requires so little effort. Walking to an event feels like nothing. I probably would have gone for a walk anyway and what trouble is it really to “pop in” to this social event for a moment? If I’m not having a good time, I can pop back out and walk home and it doesn’t feel like a lot of wasted effort.
Only stay for an hour.
I started employing this rule when I noticed that, at least 80% of the time, once I was actually at the place I had resisted going to, that I enjoyed myself. If an hour feels like too much, tell yourself you will only stay for twenty minutes. With drive time, this might mean you only miss a couple of hours of precious Netflix time before you can be safely back on your couch.
What usually happens is that I wind up staying a lot longer and am glad that I made the effort. But, there have also been plenty of times that I left after twenty minutes and at least felt satisfied that I tried.
You might also share this with your extroverted friends as a way to get you to say yes to invitations. Truly, when someone says, “Don’t worry, if you want to bail after an hour or so, I totally understand,” that is often all I need to say yes. And again, I hardly ever leave after an hour, but I like knowing that I can.
Friends make the world go ’round , but only if you put yourself in situations where you can make them. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be. Commit to a system and forgive yourself for all of those other days when you just need to watch The Office for the 14th time.
If you’ve tried one of these or have your own socializing hack you’d like to share, let us know in the comments!